KEVIN THE VERY OLD RABBIT
by Gordon Dioxide
Kevin the Very Old Rabbit was very old.
Believe it or not, he was 146 years old and his name was Kevin.
He had always been old. In fact, when he was born he had glasses and a long white beard, which greatly surprised his mother because she had perfect eyesight and no facial hair whatsoever. His dad was called Kevin the Extremely Old Rabbit, but he's not in this story.
Now, every Tuesday morning Kevin would drive to the post office in Swindon to collect his pension money. But today was no ordinary Tuesday morning for two main reasons. Firstly it was his birthday and secondly it was in fact Wednesday. This meant that he was actually 147 years old. The only problem was, he didn't know it! You see, because he thought it was Tuesday he thought that his birthday was not until tomorrow!
Anyway, he parked the car in the usual place - on double yellow lines opposite the police station. He turned on the radio and got out of the car. He never had the radio on when he was driving because he hated pop music.
Suddenly, a very watery thing happened. It started to rain. Not just a few drops, but whole bucketfuls. He ran to the bus ****ter, but the bus ****ter didn't have a roof so this didn't help. He'd forgotten to bring his umbrella and his fur was getting soaked.
So he looked around and saw a big shop called Umbrella World, just next door to Woolworths. When he ran into the shop he couldn't believe how many umbrellas were in there. There were millions and billions of them, neatly lined up on ****ves.
The first one he looked at was made of silk with a gold handle, but this was too expensive. The next one was full of holes to let the rain through, which Kevin thought was a very silly idea. Then he saw a lovely yellow umbrella, covered in pictures of monkeys and tennis rackets. It cost just four pounds and ninety-nine pence so he took out his purse and bought it.
When he went outside he found that it had stopped raining, which was a good thing and a bad thing.
After looking at his watch he decided that he was probably hungry, so he crossed over the road to McDonalds. He bought a Big Mac, but threw the burger and bread roll into the bin because, being a rabbit, he only liked the lettuce.
Three and a half weeks later he got a letter from the boss of McDonalds. It said,
"Dear Mr. Very Old Rabbit
Congratulations! You have won a trip round the world on Concorde in our Ronald McDonald Spot the Difference competition. The plane leaves Heathrow airport at 8 o'clock tomorrow morning. Have a good time!
Love from Sir Malcolm Morris McDonald"
Unfortunately, Kevin couldn't read so he screwed up the letter and threw it into the dustbin. He thought it was probably a soppy love letter from Mildred Parker who used to fancy him at school.
A bit later that day, Kevin got a telephone call from Sir Malcolm Morris McDonald's secretary. She wanted to know if he was packed and ready to go on holiday. At first, Kevin thought it was Mildred Parker asking him if he was ready for a honeymoon. But after a while, the secretary, whose name was Gladys, explained all about the competition and how he had won a trip round the world on Concorde.
Kevin was very excited. He packed his suitcase with two jumpers, one pair of trousers, a clean pair of socks, a spare pair of shoelaces, nine pairs of pyjamas, a book, another book, some sunglasses, one more book and a cuddly toy.
Next day, he got up bright and early. He drove down the M4 motorway to Heathrow Airport and climbed on board Concorde. A nice lady called Air Stewardess gave him a cup of coffee and a chocolate biscuit. He didn't really like coffee, but drank it anyway because he didn't want to upset Air Stewardess.
At 8 o'clock the plane took off into the air and soared above the clouds. Concorde travels faster than the speed of sound, which is very fast indeed, so it took just three hours to reach the city of Washington. The first person that Kevin met was a man called Bill Clinton. He used to be the President of the United States of America, but not anymore. He took Kevin to lunch at the White House. They had fried lettuce with jam and chatted about their favourite cartoons. Kevin's favourite was Bugs Bunny and Bill Clinton's favourite was Scooby Doo.
At half past six Kevin was back on Concorde flying to Hollywood, which is where actors and actresses make films to show in the cinema. He was introduced to a man named Steven Spielberg, who has made very popular films such as E.T. and Jurassic Park.
Steven Spielberg was amazed to meet an English rabbit that could talk. He had been looking for a talking rabbit to appear in his next film, called Attack of the Bunnies. But Kevin didn't want to be an actor. He was a plumber and preferred tinkering about with taps and water pipes.
Kevin spent the night in a very expensive 5-star hotel. His room had a television with 49 channels and he stayed awake all night switching from one programme to the next.
When morning came he was so tired that he fell asleep. He missed breakfast, then he missed lunch, and then he missed tea. Worst of all, he missed his next flight on Concorde!
When he eventually woke up he caught a bus to the airport. But he was very disappointed when they told him that the plane had already gone. So he caught a bus to the harbour and got on board a very big passenger ship that was heading for Japan.
He was excited to find that he had his very own cabin with a bed and a porthole to look out of. There was a restaurant on the ship but there was a big problem with the food. The ship's crew had forgotten to load any food supplies onto the ship ... except for 600 sacks of broccoli. Now normal people don't like broccoli, but if you're a rabbit you'll find that broccoli is actually rather nice. So this was an ideal situation for Kevin - 600 sacks of broccoli and he was the only one on the ship who liked it. He ate 4 sacks straight away and decided to save the other 596 for later.
At ten past nine a big storm blew up and the ship sank. Luckily, Kevin had been sitting in one of the life-rafts at the time so he was quite safe. He steered the life-raft to the nearest desert island, which was small in size, round in shape, and had a palm tree sticking up in the middle. It also had one other thing - a lady that looked a bit like Mildred Parker. In fact, she looked so much like her that it was her. This was a very depressing development for Kevin. Stuck on a desert island with Mildred Parker.
Of course, Mildred was delighted to see Kevin and immediately wanted to kiss him. He quickly climbed up the palm tree to escape her clutches. But he didn't know that Mildred had once won an Olympic gold medal in gymnastics. Basically, this meant that she was very good at climbing trees, so she was quick to follow him.
Unfortunately, the palm tree was one of the weakest in the world, and it couldn't stand the combined weight of a 147-year old rabbit and a slightly chubby ex-gymnast. So the tree toppled over and both Kevin and Mildred landed with their heads in the sand and their legs sticking up in the air.
They were stuck on the island for many years. Kevin spent his time playing with a Monopoly set that he kept in his waistcoat pocket. He didn't know many of the rules, but he enjoyed passing Go and collecting 200 pounds. Mildred spent her time trying to count the grains of sand on the island. She got up to four billion, nine hundred and forty two million, six thousand, four hundred and twenty three, when Kevin threw a couple of grains into the sea and she had to start again.
The day after Kevin's 200th birthday a really great thing happened. A ship came and rescued them and took them back to Swindon.
They had been stranded on the desert island for more than 50 years and, do you know, something really nice happened during that time that I didn't tell you about. They fell in love!
So, soon after they arrived back in England they got married. They had two children and told them all about their adventure. A bit later, they decided to live happily ever after.
Here are a few questions to see if you've been listening ...
How many sacks of broccoli were on the ship?
What is Kevin's favourite cartoon?
Why couldn't Mildred count the grains of sand on the island?
What does Kevin prefer - lettuce or pop music?
What do you think they ate when they were on the island?
Would you like to live on a desert island?