Melvin and the mildly flatulent
Once-upon-a-time, there was a worthless piece of land known as the Kingdom of Wartlestoff. In the native language, Wartlestoff meant small painful swelling under the armpit. The people called it Wartlestoff because they couldn't actually name it shithole which was their first suggestion.
Wartlestoff was known throughout the continent for two things: 1. A really low average age of the citizens that was due to an incredibly high suicide rate and the fact that most people over five years-old tried to leave the country 2. A really low birth rate that was due to the fact there wasn't anybody in Wartlestoff that anybody wanted to have sex with.
Wartlestoff had been the object of several brutal wars by its neighboring countries, with each side claiming Wartlestoff belonged to the other. During a particularly brutal war, someone got the idea that they could declare Wartlestoff an autonomous state and everybody could go home.
A new formed country, even a lousy one like Wartlestoff, could be turned into a larger one by an ambitious, enterprising and charismatic leader. The leaders of the warring countries realized this and decided to choose the king themselves to make
sure that this didn't happen. They set out to find the most feeble minded, indecisive, and uncharasmatic twit for the throne. The only constraint, they decided, was that the twit should be of noble birth. All the countries were littered with feeble minded, indecisive, and uncharasmatic nobility who had been unemployed during the great layoffs of the feeble minded, indecisive, and uncharasmatic aristocracy and Wartlestoff was no exception.
After a great search through the mounds of resumes, the Kings found the man that they were looking for. He was known as Lord Melvin the mildly flatulent.
He was slow, fat, rude, ugly and tended to get lost on the way to the bathroom. His estate had consisted of over thirty people at its height. These people, however, were all his family or servants in the castle. They had also formed a new barony and revolted.
They invited a nearby Lord to annex them into his estate. The new lord returned the favor by plundering them, killing the women and children and raising taxes tenfold.
It was said of him that "No one would follow him to a coke machine, much less into battle." When he failed to arrive for the interview or even give an explanation of his absence, this was considered a demonstration of just what a good choice they had made.
He was dragged from his castle and forcibly crowned. Afterwards the occupying armies fled the country as fast as their horses would take them. Stragglers were left behind.
One of Melvin's first acts was to put his face on every coin that was stamped in the realm. This helped the economy in two ways: 1. The sheer ugliness of the coins caused people in other realms to refuse them outright, as a result money no longer left
the country due to trade imbalances 2. The sheer ugliness of the coins meant that folks inside the realm didn't really want the coins either, as a result much less money changed hands and inflation was curbed. It was said on the street that "You could once again buy a loaf of bread for less than 400 gold crowns!"
Ironically, the reduction of the trade imbalance and the rate of inflation would have been greatly heralded by the economists if he hadn't put them all to death.
King Melvin the mildly flatulent then decided to find a new wife since his ex still refused to come back. He decided to try a strategy that had worked so well in the past, he sent out tons of resumes. When the various eligible women visited the castle
for the interview, they asked questions like "You don't expect me to have sex with you do you?" and "We wouldn't actually have to have sex if I got this job right?". Melvin was unfazed. When Lady Bovina failed to refuse immediately, Melvin decided to go
after her with unceasing effort. He organized a festival and a series of games in her honor. The week before the festival, he had all the roads from her castle to the amphitheater lined with lawyers stapled to crosses. The games were a series of contests
between economists armed with shields and swords and lions. The crowds went wild as economist after economist was chewed up by the lions. The economists were eaten so quickly that several market analysts, psychotherapists and poets had to be rounded up to keep the crowds amused.
By the end of the day, the crowd was at a fever pitch. They were screaming "Melvin! Melvin! Melvin!" at the top of their lungs. Melvin, whose ego was just barely able to fit in the amphitheater with all those people began to give a speech. He was possessed. He began to tell them that he would raise an army to give the people what they had wanted most for their entire lives, another decent country to live in, decent land to build hovels on and new and better neighbors.
When his speech reached a crescendo, he asked the crowd to be silent. He bent down on his knees and asked Lady Bovina to marry him.
She was startled. "Would you promise to love me forever?" she asked.
"Forever!" he said.
"Would you turn over your treasury to me?" she asked.
"Every last coin!" he responded.
"Would we have to have sex?" she asked.
"Do we have to talk about this here?"
She looked around at all the quiet faces who were staring directly at her and made the biggest mistake of her life.
The stirring speech, the ascension of the new queen, and the extermination of all the lawyers were exactly the sort of inspiring things that the country had been starving for for
years, and would have been duly celebrated by the historians and political analysts if they hadn't all been exterminated during the later games of the festival.
After the festival was over, Melvin raised a large and inspired if untrained and unequipped army. He led his army on muleback to the closest country and proceeded to attack by sending all his troops over the boarder as fast as he could, while he waited behind to see what happened.
Melvin's army was thrashed as they charged into the waiting canons of the enemy. He blamed the loss on foreign treachery, but many pundits felt the loss was due to the fact that all the officers had sacrificed to the lions during the festival.
Melvin himself was later killed when the mule that he was riding on collapsed of a broken back.
Lady Bovina was the guest of honor at one last festival where she placed on the field to combat the last remaining economists.
The Kings who had placed Melvin at the throne of Wartlestoff were taken out and beaten.
And the people of Wartlestoff still wait for the day when the clouds will open and a voice proclaim from the Heavens to the people all across the land that they can finally leave.